Papa God,
It's been awhile... Who I've chosen to be lately is not who I really am. God, I keep reminding others how much they are made in your image and that they are special and that you will always love them. About how much you care for them and that you'll always be there. I'm willing to tell them all of these comforting things and I want to be able to be there for them, but all of these things that I think you are telling me to share with them, I think I needed to hear more for myself.
That it's never too late, that I'm worth it, that's you'll never leave me in the dust, that you'll always be loyal and never leave me, that your love isn't conditional, that the "love" and affection that I've been frantically looking for can only be found in my relationship with you.
Everything I've been saying that I hate about my past relationships - the cheating, the lying, manipulation, arguing, disloyalty, lack of understanding and communication, not being open and honest, lack of JOY and happiness along with constant keeping in touch, not ever feeling like I'm enough - is exactly how I'm sure you've felt in my relationship with you.
Father, I haven't been fair or loving to you at all. I've cheated you of myself, cheated on you with other people or things I thought were more important. I've lied to you and manipulated my relationship with you to make some things seem okay when they weren't. I've argued with you in my heart and my head so many times. I've been completely disloyal. I have not been understanding of what you want of me. I've not wanted to communicate with you, and I've shut you out. I've not been fully honest with you, what you say, or what you want and have planned for me. I've not found happiness or joy in other things I've indulged in and I'm sure it has saddened you to see me in such a mess. I've not kept in touch with you, and you know that I think that you're not always enough, shown in my attitude and actions.
God I feel lost, hopeless, ashamed, like I've failed you, and like I've failed who I'm supposed to be and know as my true self. It makes me sick to look back on what I've done.
...
BUT GOD, I ALSO KNOW THAT I MEAN THE WORLD TO YOU and that you will ALWAYS delight in me and forgive me when I've done wrong. I know that you'll welcome me with open arms and rejoicing as the father of the prodigal son did.
Thank you for putting up with my stupidity and lack of good judgment and always waiting for me at the gates of home.
I don't want to be that person anymore. God, I want to be the individual YOU'VE created me to be, to the BEST of my ability. I want to be more disciplined and loyal to you. I want to be in your Word more and more and in communication with you daily.
God, make me NEW. I really do love you and I know I've done a horrible job of showing it, but I always come back to you. You know my heart. Help me to stay close to you and to live my life as a proud and humble child of God.
