Coming home, where I BELONG

Papa God,
It's been awhile... Who I've chosen to be lately is not who I really am. God, I keep reminding others how much they are made in your image and that they are special and that you will always love them. About how much you care for them and that you'll always be there. I'm willing to tell them all of these comforting things and I want to be able to be there for them, but all of these things that I think you are telling me to share with them, I think I needed to hear more for myself. 
That it's never too late, that I'm worth it, that's you'll never leave me in the dust, that you'll always be loyal and never leave me, that your love isn't conditional, that the "love" and affection that I've been frantically looking for can only be found in my relationship with you.
Everything I've been saying that I hate about my past relationships - the  cheating, the lying, manipulation, arguing, disloyalty, lack of understanding and communication, not being open and honest, lack of JOY and happiness along with constant keeping in touch, not ever feeling like I'm enough - is exactly how I'm sure you've felt in my relationship with you.
Father, I haven't been fair or loving to you at all. I've cheated you of myself, cheated on you with other people or things I thought were more important. I've lied to you and manipulated my relationship with you to make some things seem okay when they weren't. I've argued with you in my heart and my head so many times. I've been completely disloyal. I have not been understanding of what you want of me. I've not wanted to communicate with you, and I've shut you out. I've not been fully honest with you, what you say, or what you want and have planned for me. I've not found happiness or joy in other things I've indulged in and I'm sure it has saddened you to see me in such a mess. I've not kept in touch with you, and you know that I think that you're not always enough, shown in my attitude and actions.
God I feel lost, hopeless, ashamed, like I've failed you, and like I've failed who I'm supposed to be and know as my true self. It makes me sick to look back on what I've done.
...
BUT GOD, I ALSO KNOW THAT I MEAN THE WORLD TO YOU and that you will ALWAYS delight in me and forgive me when I've done wrong. I know that you'll welcome me with open arms and rejoicing as the father of the prodigal son did.
Thank you for putting up with my stupidity and lack of good judgment and always waiting for me at the gates of home.
I don't want to be that person anymore. God, I want to be the individual YOU'VE created me to be, to the BEST of my ability. I want to be more disciplined and loyal to you. I want to be in your Word more and more and in communication with you daily.
God, make me NEW. I really do love you and I know I've done a horrible job of showing it, but I always come back to you. You know my heart. Help me to stay close to you and to live my life as a proud and humble child of God.

HOPE

Wow, have I been lost. I feel so empty and unmotivated. The past couple months have really been a struggle. Relationships have withered away, I've lost my sense of self, my strong connection and passion for God has faded, and I'm grasping at what feels like the end of the rope.. I feel used up and miserable. My focus has been on myself and how much I feel like a failure. I've failed the ones I love most and myself... But until now I hadn't stopped to think that I was failing someone much more important and so much bigger than all of my problems. 
In this song that I love so much I was reminded that

"When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin."

By magnifying my unworthiness and lack of wholeness, I have dishonored God with every word and action coming from me. Trials and hardships will cause me to be broken down, vulnerable, scared, hurt, and even scarred, but I have failed to see the things in every situation that remain constant: God's presence, his love, his grace, his loyalty, his joy, and so many other things that he rewards me with as his child! See, by magnifying my weakness, I have magnified his strength. A bible verse that has really stood out to me lately has been playing repeatedly in my head:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

 NOTHING says it as clearly as that! It's not ME who can get me through it. I can't FIX anything. I can't be STRONG enough on my own to handle everything that comes my way and I definitely can't be made whole without the Spirit of Christ in me. God made us in his own image and said we were GOOD. Even in sin and our humanness, God rejoices over us with singing! Guilt is a devil-driven emotion. When I tell myself I'm not ever going to be good enough, whether that be academically, in a friendship, or for someone someday who will be willing to put up with me for the rest of my life, I'm telling Jesus that he isn't good enough for me. I'm telling my SAVIOR that what he did wasn't sufficient because his grace, his love, his strength and guidance aren't good enough to get me through it. If you have a moment I really encourage you to watch this video by Shane and Shane about "embracing accusation."

Does it make you stop and think of how much we have to give thanks for? It honestly made me think of how stupid I have been to mope around and tell myself how much of a failure I am sometimes. No one else's opinion or worth of me matters but my God's! How relieving is that?! Gosh, what was I thinking I would accomplish by wallowing in my own pit of self-created misery?? I have SOO many things to be thankful for that outnumber the bad by more than I can fathom! God is so good to me, and I have failed to see that! I need to let go of bitterness, of selfishness, of desire, of control, and give them all to Christ, because he is the ONLY one who can "fix" me..

James 1:2-8
"Consider it a sheer GIFT, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don't know what you're doing, PRAY to the Father. He LOVES to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."

So, if you can relate, keep your head up! Pray for strength and guidance, because I know that God is holding us in the palm of his hand and that he has amazing things planned for us. I know that I will be praying in the same way and rejoicing that I am so blessed with everything that he has given me!

So, I've been thinking..

God never ceases to amaze me in ways that he speaks to me and show his presence. Tonight, for my devotions, I ended up doing something a little differently. I turned on some worship music and I sat on my bed. I picked up my devotional to read it but a calm peacefulness took hold of my heart and all I could do was close my eyes and embrace it. 
As I listened to the music, tears came to my eyes in worship and surrender to God. I have been holding on to the reigns too long and too tightly. Letting go felt so good. Letting God do what God exists to do is so much easier and it is so freeing to know, that even though I don' t have any control, I am completely taken care of. Without a doubt, God has everything under control: my present problems and troubles, and my future, unbeknownst to me. I've been hating, a lot lately, where I am in my life at school, socially, and academically. Regardless, God will take care of me.
I've been slowly finding out that the people I'm around a lot seem to be constantly negative or gossipy and that I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my troubles or my spiritual life. I've felt emptied, used up, taken advantage of, and lied to. So I've been asking God for encouraging, uplifting, Christ-like friends and he's already sent a couple my way. God will provide! He will never fail me, ever!
In my devotion today, God showed me how much I really don't know. When I'm in the moment and wrapped up in 'me', I only see a tiny part of the big picture. When I blame him or get angry at him for letting me go through some of the things that really take a lot of strength, I need to realize that he has so much more in store for me and knows what is going on in the big picture. The more I look to him for what I need and talk to him, the smoother that journey becomes. God is working me toward a goal, toward something great. I can't be scared and quit just because it may be hard and really tiring and frustrating to travel that road. No matter how WEAK I am, no matter how low Satan tries to wear me down, God is my strength and power and will get me to where I need to go in his plan, in the time he wants me to get there. Life is not a race, and I am not a racehorse. The more I try to whip myself into shape and into the quick-paced race of the life this world expects from me, the more I am doomed to fail. My rest in Christ is a form of worship, and I'm not familiar with it at all. 
My challenge to myself is to learn how to set some quiet time aside for God and just be.... a little bit each day. That's all. Time to bask in his radiance, his presence. To hear him, REALLY hear him. To rest in his embrace and to accept his gift of peace. I think that will help me function a whole lot better on a daily basis and to take things one step at a time. Along with that task, I intend to challenge myself to do my devotions every day. INTENTIONALLY. Not to do them out of habit, but with intention. It's time for me to let God in again so he can grow me. I want to feel closer to him once more. I also want my relationship with my boyfriend to be an HONORABLE one, one of example. I want people to look at us and wonder what's so different about us, and I want our Christian friends to see Christ emanating fromm our relationship and reflected in our actions. I want our parents and families to be proud. I want us to be a true reflection of what God wants in a passionate, Christ- and love-driven, for-life relationship. I'll do whatever it takes, because ultimately I want God to smile down on us. We will never be perfect, but this is what I want us to strive for.
I want HIM to be proud, because I'm going to be honest. Deep down, I'm a people pleaser and I've been pleasing all the wrong people. I want to be a GOD pleaser form the bottom of my soul! I could go on forever, but I should probably find a place to stop before this entry becomes a book. I've just been thinking about a lot of things and haven't had anywhere to put my thoughts. I think they fit perfectly on these pages, though. Thank you for taking time to read this.
I really want to encourage you to find where you are in your relationship with God, and take a moment to sit down and talk to him about it. Just BE.... God will do the rest.

SURRENDER

     For about the past week, I have been very humbled and led to let go of control of some of the things I feel I need to hold onto but shouldn't. Letting go is the first step, but letting God empty me of what has pulled me down for so long to fill me with his Spirit is the next step.
     In Isaiah 64:8 (ESV) it says "But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand." I was so inspired by this verse and by the fact that God used it to help me realize that I try to do WAY too much of the work. I need to let God be my potter and mold me into the person He created me to be! The person I was trying to be was someone much less successful, and much more stressed out, frustrated, tired, and weighed down. It just makes sense! 
     This verse struck a chord with me (no pun intended) and motivated me to write a worship song. I hope you find the lyrics as moving as I did this verse from Isaiah and my time with God this past week. Let me know what you think.

Surrender

V1:

But now, O Lord

You are our Father.

And we are the clay,

And you are our potter.

CH:

Mold us.

Make us.

Turn us into something brand new.

Fill us.

Consume us.

Lord make us more like you.

V2:

We lay our burdens down;

Surrender them to you.

We cry out our hearts,

And long to be renewed.

BR:

We wanna want what you want!

We wanna LOVE what you LOVE!

We want a heart like you God!

We are the work of your hands.

Life's A Struggle!

     Lately I have found myself very frustrated and stressed about everything that comes my way: internal conflicts, work for school, relational problems. Whether it be big or small, I find myself struggling to find resolve in the situation. Being the person taht I am, I like to be the one in control and to be completely informed. I also find it hard to let things go that I feel strongly about.
     Today, I realized that I can't have control over the things I can't handle. That was hard for me to admit! That meant giving up control to someone who could do it better than I am able. Who the heck could do that?? I do know for a fact that God can do wonders with the things that I let go of. There are things that I have been holding onto for a long time because I thought I could control what was going on. Little did I know, giving it into the hands of Christ would be the best decision I could ever make. Being human, there are so many opportunities for failure and mistakes, but with God all things are possible. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I always felt stressed, frustrated, alone.. I didn't know what to do.
     When I gave God my stresses, frustrations, and every part of who I am (that means the deepest parts of me that I don't want anyone to see let alone have control of) it freed me to be the person Christ really created me to be! He made me in his own image and He delights in me no matter the circumstances! It's hard to believe that sometimes, but it's true and it's something that God has to remind me of often.
     I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for the grace and mercy of God and I thank him every day for loving me in spite of my selfish desires, my flaws, my downfalls, my failures, and even thinking that I can do a better job than he can when it comes to life's troubles..

Keep it simple, Stupid!

Is this normal? Is life always supposed to be this busy, rushed, hectic, and sometimes filled with meaningless activities to fill the gaps? Not to mention, that there always has to be more or better of everything. Why is it so complicated and confusing? I sometimes find myself making lists of things to do, should I ever get “bored.” I was awakened to a peaceful solution to this madness in my devotion yesterday. This need to submit myself to society’s demand for me to want more and to want it faster is supposedly normal for my generation. The need to fill my life with worldly pleasures and luxuries is an expected necessity. I find it stressful and frustrating to fill this unnecessary calling to be something that I am not, to be someone I was not created to be. Our world has created unrealistic expectations and multiple purposes for us, while God has created us for one purpose and only expects us to follow and love him. I have tried to simplify my schedule to create “down time” or time to relax and give up possessions I don’t need that could be put to better use by others who need it more. I’ve tried to change my mind set and for whatever reason, I always fall back into my rut. In my devotion, I read that simplicity starts with the heart. I hadn’t tried focusing on that! Why wouldn’t I have thought to work on the one part of me that God should have total control of, not to mention that he should be in control of a lot more than I was willing to give him? All I was thinking about was ME. What I wanted, what I should do, how I was going to fix it, how I should blame myself, what I could do to make it better. That’s not what it was about at all! I should have been filling my heart with God. My ONE purpose in life is to live for my loving Creator and Father, not myself. I had my priorities all wrong! This realization pulled a huge load off of my heart, my head, and my shoulders. It takes a lot for us as individuals in today’s ridiculously fast-paced society to remain calm and to remind ourselves that we aren’t the ones in control. We should be confident that our God has EVERYTHING under control. If we live for Christ and leave the rest to him we would be so much less stressed and frustrated with ourselves, others, and situations we can’t control. I’ve been in prayer a lot lately, trying to find out what my purpose is in God’s great plan. I know it will take time and lots of listening to find my true purpose, but doing what God created me to do and doing it to the best of my ability has become my greatest goal. I’ve been making it all way too complicated. I should have been simply being myself. It’s almost as if the Holy Spirit had leaned down to whisper in my ear, “Keep it simple, Stupid!”

Not living it up or Living it down, living a PURPOSE…

God has been tugging on my heart lately, especially while I’ve been in his word or with others.  I’ve been experiencing this need, more a longing, to make a difference. I’ve been through some difficult times in the past year and half that have had me at war with myself and struggling inside to stay strong in my faith, and God has always given me the strength to press on. When it seemed like there was nothing left to fight for the Holy Spirit pulled at my heart, and made me realize that I couldn’t give up. My devotion today helped me recognize that this life isn’t worth living unless you come to understand that it has a PURPOSE.  Romans 12:2 says that we should not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but that we should be transformed by the renewing of our MINDS. Then we will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will. This life is not going to be easy and being humans, we can’t make it any better ourselves. The only thing we CAN do is look to God for guidance and strength, knowing that he has a plan for our lives. I fully believe that he has a plan and purpose for every one of us. If you’ve ever felt like that’s not true for you, I’ve been there. If you’ve ever felt like no one cared and there was nothing going for you, or even if you’re feeling like that now, I really encourage you to reconsider your thoughts. Christ has ALWAYS been there for me, but it was the fact that I was too stubborn to turn around and look him in the face. Sometimes that took admitting that I was wrong no matter how big of trouble I was in so that I could lay my problems at his feet and run into his arms to start over. God doesn’t care what you’ve done, who you are, who you hang out with, or where you’ve been. He has an amazing PURPOSE for you and he cares where you are now. He is willing to help you start over whenever you look to your side and realize that he is right there next to you. This life, MY life, is Christ’s and I’m not living it up or living it down for anyone or anything. I’m living a PURPOSE for one awesome, powerful, loving GOD…